What pissed you all off?
Was it a small thing that was pretty easy to forgive, like your partner loading the dishwasher wrong?
Or was it something really bad, like your best friend saw
Taylor Swift: the era tour a film without you?
Or maybe you were even mad at yourself for ruining a good thing?
Either way, forgiving yourself or others means letting go of resentment – and that can be very complicated.
But if you can find it in your heart to do it, science says your heart will thank you. Actually,
research shows that the act of forgiveness can reduce the risk of heart attacks, reduce blood pressure and improve cholesterol levels.
Read: Symptoms of Heart Attacks in Women >>
Forgiveness can also have a positive impact on mental health by reducing levels of anxiety, depression and stress.
“You reduce stress in general because it is stressful to hold grudges unconsciously and consciously,” said
Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based psychologist specializing in life transitions, motivation and self-esteem. “Heaviness can make you feel depressed and weighed down – and it’s exhausting.”
In addition to the health benefits, forgiving someone can improve your relationships overall. Thomas said holding grudges can prevent you from trusting new people because you’ve never healed from the past. “You may not even realize that you’re holding on to things more or longer than you should and it’s triggering old feelings even if it has nothing to do with a new person.”
Forgiveness may not be for everyone. One way to know if you are ready to try to forgive is to check your feelings. If you’re not driven by emotion or your feelings are less intense than before, you may be in a place where you can forgive, according to Thomas.
Here are 4 tips from Thomas for moving towards forgiveness.
- Write yourself a letter about the situation. Write the whole story of what happened from your perspective and be as objective as possible. The letter is just for you – you’re not going to give it to the person who hurt you – but writing everything down helps you see the bigger picture.
Then write down what you learned. What do you think of this person today, after a little distance and reflection? Are you able to see both sides of the situation? This is a good thing to do as preparation before a conversation and can also be an indicator of your feelings.
- Think about your relationship with the person you are trying to forgive. Ask yourself how you have benefited from having this person in your life. This gives you the opportunity to identify the positives in the relationship.
- Talk about it with the person you are trying to forgive. Talking about the situation gives both people a chance to see if you can resolve the issue or clear up any misinterpretations on either side. Forgiving doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting, so be upfront about your intentions and expectations. For example, let this person know that you are trying to forgive them, but that in the future you will need to see a change in behavior or something that can help you move forward.
- Seek professional help. Sometimes it’s not healthy to engage with the person you’re trying to forgive or you simply need outside help to do so. A psychologist who works on relationships and knows about forgiveness can help you move past whatever you need to forgive.
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