The first two games of the NFL football schedule on Saturday featured four backup quarterbacks. Instead of Joe Burrow, Kirk Cousins, Anthony Richardson and Kenny Pickett, we had Jake Browning, Nick Mullens, Gardner Minshew and Mitch Trubisky. Thank God for Jared Goff and Russell Wilson on Game Night, otherwise there would be absolutely no reason to watch professional football — and I never dare say that out loud.
Admitting that the product is diminished is tantamount to giving up all leverage when asked to do non-football activities during the football season. There are some life-saving fantasy implications at play, how am I supposed to spread holiday cheer when I want to throw my phone at the nearest breakable object?
It didn’t matter that Denver was mauled by Detroit, 42-17, the quarterbacks I heard about, who maybe weren’t terrible, were playing. That’s all a football fan could ask for.
Aside from money, the main reason college football gives us sponsored and unnecessary exhibition games when they do is to get through the Christmas holidays. However, bowl matchups are now transparent and blatantly meaningless. It becomes increasingly difficult to justify watching these “showcases” when the starting quarterbacks are either in the transfer portal or awaiting the draft.
If this scourge continues? Oh, Marone, we’re going to need a lot more Tommy Cutlets. Quick, someone call Sean Stellato and see if any other starting quarterbacks have fallen off the truck.
Is there too much football? Too small? What’s the perfect ratio that keeps good QBs from playing and keeps me from turning off the TV in disgust and asking my family what they want to do like I’m some kind of tour guide?
“Mom, why is Dad acting like that? He scares me.
“It’s okay honey. He just watched three turnovers, five three-and-outs and seven punts in a half, , , Bill, go away. You’re scaring our daughter.
The other day I was asked, “Why can’t you just go watch football in the other room?” I did not know what to say. I froze and mumbled something inaudible about Zach Wilson and Joe Flacco before everything went dark.
Apparently the only way the paramedics could calm me down was to use old YouTube clips of Joe Montana and Tommie Frazier. Humanity has not faced this level of crisis since Al Gore created global warming.
If all football becomes bad football, what’s the point of tailgating? It’s like standing outside waiting for a Creed concert to start and getting lost without irony. You’d have to be crazy to willingly watch Duke without Riley Leonard, USC without Caleb Williams or North Carolina without Drake Maye. Not only do several teams not have their regular starters, but the guys who replace them will likely be replaced by other quarterbacks in the transfer portal during the offseason if they haven’t already.
This very mediocre football immediately makes a one-goal game in the 20s great football, and I can’t keep lying to myself. Maybe to my family about my Saturday and Sunday interest in not ice skating anymore, but I’ll get found out eventually.
I don’t know what’s worse: watching a bunch of Rudys take pity shots in the Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl, or getting to know an NFL team’s backup quarterback as an annoying character who ruins a show you enjoy. Josh Dobbs is to professional football what Bran Stark is to football Game Of Thrones.
I know more about Dorian Thompson-Robinson than I can forget, and that’s way too much useless knowledge. When Mishew is as ubiquitous as the Burger King jingle, it’s time to find a new hobby or stop neglecting your old ones.
Also, technically a family is not a hobby.
